I seem to let the days pass by not knowing that my birthday is fast approaching. Text messages as early as the start of the first week even emails and some people reminds me that my birthday is near yet it didn't give me any thrill and excitement. Is it a sign that I am aging?
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| E-card from Nestle |
Something's wrong with me, I know and feel it. I can't exactly tell what it is. Lately I felt too sensitive, stuck, lonely. and losing some self-worth. There are times I feel like bursting in anger. What's worst is I feel that no one is there to understand and help me anyway.
I maybe bored and tired of what I do everyday. Or should I blame this mood to some hormonal changes? I may have problems and encounter negative feelings but I still have a lot of blessings that I should remember and be thankful for my reason to keep on smiling.
I don't have any plans for my birthday whether where to go or what food to eat and prepare. I am too tired to plan and prepare a small party. I wanted to stay at the house and sit all day doing nothing but is definitely an impossible dream! There's no party nor a special dinner so no invited guests. I couldn't help but clean the house. I saw our electric fans and aircon filters full of dusts, I decide to treat myself with clean air. And did a major clean up on our bathroom too! Later in the afternoon I made a refrigerated cake.
I am expecting for my parents' visit and my brothers too in the afternoon. Earlier my younger brother informed me of their coming. We would usually go out on a restaurant for a dinner. To my surprise, mom cooked a lot of food like there's a party happening! That's how thoughtful my mom is to me, though she's not very vocal of her feelings. I have unexpected guests that night who came and had a very satisfying meal. Too bad I didn't have good photos to post here.
Last Sunday, I am reminded of one my favorite song, "I Will Run to You" by Darlene Zschech. This song will always remind me of my first time to sing a solo performance with the band, but I haven't sang it perfectly specially the high notes. At the same time, the song's message is too personal for me. While singing the lines of this song last Sunday I can't help but to let my tears fall as every words of this song sink into my heart.
Your eye is on the sparrow
Your hand it comforts me
From the ends of the earth
To the depth of my heart
Let your mercy and strength be seen
You call me to your purpose
As angels understand
For your glory may you draw all men
As your love and grace demands
And I will run to you
To your Words of Truth
Not by might, not by power
But by the Spirit of God
Yes I will run the race
Till I see your face
Oh let me live
In the glory of your grace
Again I fail to remember what God can do for me and that He's always beside me. I have failed to come to Him to ask for help and forget that I have someone who perfectly love and understands me for who I am. I am not alone and He will not leave me even in the darkest part of my life. I can finish my life's race not with my own might but with God on my side. It is in my weakness and limitations where I see the fullness of God's glory and grace. Thanks be to God!
Giving material gifts is one of the ways to show how someone is special to us. But it is sure not enough to fully express love. It is good to receive gifts I do love the feeling, but my day is already full even without any. I know I am loved and it makes my life complete. This is the most wonderful birthday gift I have and that pretty sure of not even losing it.
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